?

Log in

No account? Create an account
Random Bobbie-ness [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
rubia_tonta

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ archive | journal archive ]

(no subject) [Oct. 17th, 2012|04:23 pm]
rubia_tonta
Yesterday, life was really hard. I woke up and it was like I couldn't even function. All I wanted to do was cry. My brain thought of nothing. I moved through the day in a haze. It was rough.
I hate when this happens. It doesn't happen very often anymore but it still happens from time to time. The inability to socialize or do my job. I'm not even able  to get enjoyment out of anything. I just sit and stare and cry.
Today was a little better. I actually had a bit of fun with myself. Went shopping and got some sewing done on my halloween costume. But it still is really hard. My chest is tight and aches. My thoughts are kind of blank. I wish I knew how to stop this. It's maddening. Terrible thoughts go through my head and I'm constantly on the brink of breaking down.
But I guess life is sometimes like that. Things happen and they really hurt. I hope to get past this soon.
LinkLeave a comment

Reflection of epic proportions! [Sep. 14th, 2012|02:39 am]
rubia_tonta
Hello Live Journal. It has definitely been a while since I last wrote something worth reading. But today, I was reflecting on my life and what I want to do in this world and I came the conclusion that I have only ever let a handful of people see who I really am. And to be honest, I don't even know if I showed them all of me. So today, I was thinking I would be an open book and just share what makes up a Bobbie.

Self Worth:
I am an extremely lonely person. Growing up, I never really had too many good friends. You know how it is with girls and growing up. A lot of the time you are just friends because it's easier than having those mean cunts as your enemy. I fell into this category. Though granted, I did try to build real friendships during that time. I felt that those girls were important to me and I loved them. I loved being part of the group. But as we got older and boys came into the picture, I came to discover that they would talk behind my back and do what they could to kick me down because I was lonely. I was an easy target. I was smart and witty. I could make people laugh and bring joy to a room. And that was a threat. For a while, they actually made me feel like I was doing something bad. That being open, honest, and sincere made me a bad person. No one wanted to hear it. So then I built walls. I stopped being open to the world because who really did want to hear what I had to say? At a time like that, all that really seemed to matter to most people were the boys they had crushes on and which girls they could kick into submission. This added to my already crazy insecurities. I always felt like people were judging me along with my family and it was true. They were. My family was not perfect and we had our secrets. Things that people could use against us and they often did when they needed a good distraction. My father was a drunk. I was afraid to have friends over because I thought that something bad would happen if he got drunk and lashed out. So then I stopped getting close to people. This was not an easy decision to come by for someone who was only 7. But I realized that young that he was dangerous to other people so I am sure that is what started all of the insecurities that made me such an easy target. I tried to hide my insecurities behind overconfidence and sarcasm. I was a star athlete and worked so hard to stay that way so that I could at least feel like I had just the tiniest bit of worth in this world. My skills were able to bring a softball and a soccer team to championships. Recognition and praise. It was probably the only time I felt like people saw me as a value to them, and I didn't even care that it was just because my skills were a part of making a group a bunch of winners at something that in the end really didn't matter that much. But in that circle, I had worth. And I was someone to be admired. Outside of that, the dynamic was pretty much the same. No one really talked to me about things other than stuff on the team. No one got to know who I was, truly. I was shy. And I didn't talk. 
So for almost my entire life, I felt like I was worthless and clung to the stupidest things in order to feel as if I made any difference at all. I was also a middle child and a bastard at that. I still don't truly know who my dad is though it seems pretty obvious.

Trust and Responsibility:
I learned not to trust people at a young age. I had a hard time allowing anyone to ever know anything about me that could make me vulnerable to them. This started with my mother and father. From the time I was about 5, my dad went to prison for 18 months. During that time, my mom had another guy living with us. We were told they were just friends but being 5 doesn't necessarily make you stupid. And though I didn't know it quite yet, I was a very intelligent child and grasped complex ideas about relationships and the way people interact with each other. My parents fought all the time. But my mom with this guy, her body language was different and they never shouted or broke things or hit each other. So again, you don't really need to be Einstein to know that there was something special there. I could not even trust my own mother to be honest and straight with us and explain what was going on. When we visited our extended family, we had to lie about that man and never even mention him to anyone. When my father got out of prison and that man went away, we still could never talk about it. The one time my sister mentioned something, it caused a huge fight. So from that young age we were taught to lie. Believing that it was okay to do so because it was for a better good. It was meant to not hurt other people. It was a tool to keep everyone happy. But that is never the case. Lying doesn't help anything. It just gives a young and intelligent girl the tools necessary to bullshit her way through things and it gives an idea that as long as you feel justified in what you are doing, then it can't be bad...Yeah, that's totally not how it works. In fact, all that did was mold me into someone who would stay friends with people who were mean just to not be cast out. And it also was the thing that cost me the one thing I have wanted more than anything else in this world. These little habits that creep up to the point where you don't know you are even doing them have serious consequences. I wish I could have been more honest the one time I really needed someone on my side. But, that just brings me to my responsibility to others. Growing up, I could not depend on my family to really provide what I needed. I had no structure or boundaries. I did homework and got good grades because I wanted them; not because my parents would get upset. They didn't care at all what kind of grades I got.
 Eventually, my parents got divorced and my mother remarried not that long after. But the man she married walked out on his job when we needed him to be a responsible adult. He just quit and never found other work. As soon as I turned 16, this meant that I was working. I had a shitty job at a crappy movie theatre just so I could provide me and my sister with lunch money for the week. And the real kicker was that when I forgot to put it in my sister's lunch account, she would curse me out and just bitch. I NEVER got a thank you from her or my mother for making sure we at least got to eat lunch since there was rarely anything to eat at home. So then here I was at age 16 taking advanced placement courses, working a job, and playing softball for an expensive elite team. Not to mention doing chores all the time. My mom would actually put chores above school work. So a lot of the time, I wouldn't even get to start my homework until around midnight. And being in AP courses, I had a crazy work load so I rarely slept. Though in retrospect, that prepared me for college. My college life was pretty much the same way. Always studying and doing homework. I am the first person in my family to graduate from college. So perhaps all that bullshit was worth something.

God and Spirituality:

I never really had a stable religious background. When we were younger, my family attended Lutheran Services. But when we moved away from my grandparents, my mom found this church that can only be described as craaaazy. Granted, there were a lot of good people there. But this place made me feel dirty. I was forced to go every sunday and every wednesday night. The youth had classes for different age groups. I guess it was like youth group but more structured and corporate. The rainbows, Daisies, Prims, and STARs (Suzanna, Tabatha, Anna, and Ruth). These classes were devoted to making you feel like shit if you forgot to bring offering for the week or if you forgot a bible verse. We also had badges we had to earn before we could graduate to the next phase. This made me sick because I didn't care about earning badges or points or being the person that knew the most bible verses or knew all of the pledges we would recite. It also turned out that the pastor and his wife were embezzling money given by the congregation. For the longest time, I didn't trust any of those people. And my mother didn't help always talking about ghosts and spirits, and the Native Americans and Quiji boards. So had no real spiritual guidance. But then I went to highschool and I started going to church again with my at the time boyfriend, Mike. But I still felt uneasy because where I grew up, church was very gossipy and judging. So I never really felt comfortable there. Not to mention Mike would always fall asleep and start snoring during the sermon along with half of the congregation. I did go through confirmation and learned a great deal of things. But eventually, I stopped going there, too as softball suddenly had me super busy on Sundays. My religious path has been a bumpy road. When we were at that one church with the youthgroup; all I ever head was criticism. People complained all the time and were so quick to pick on someone. And I really hated the "Jesus is my boyfriend" music they played for like an hour. Then we got maybe one bible reading and some self-righteous sermon from someone who was stealing from the very people who put so much trust in him. And everyone ate it up. But then I went to Thiel College and actually started going to church with Dan. I was a bit creeped out at first because I didn't know the people there and the last time I had been in a church was to say goodbye to my dead boyfriend so yeah...But eventually, I became secure and I actually built a relationship with God. No points needed. No memorization of pledges and oaths. Just good ole worship. Just like when I was little. So I am proud to say that I am a Lutheran and I don't care who knows it!

Love:

My parents had a shitty relationship. All I ever saw was fighting and lying and cheating. So naturally, I had no idea how to be in a relationship. The first relationship I was ever in was not what I would call fun or ideal. For the first time, a boy actually liked me instead of my friend Sara. We started dating and it was fun and innocent for a while. But then this boy started pressuring me into things I really didn't want to be doing. Told me that if I loved him then I would have no problems doing the things that made him happy. And of course, never knowing what a real loving relationship looked like, that was the best I had to go on. It was either trust this boy or believe that love was like my parents' relationship. I am not a violent person so I chose what the boy said. So of course I ended up experimenting with sex at too young of an age, really. I didn't understand what was going on. And I certainly did not get any enjoyment out of it. But for the sake of the boy I "loved so much", I just kept doing it. I never actually had full out intercourse with him, but at that point, might as well have. It really wasn't much different. But finally, he cheated on me enough times that I finally said I had enough. He had asked me to quit my softball team for him and that's where I drew the line. But some how, we kept being drawn back to each other. Again and again, he and I would fight, break up, date new people, and then always come back to the same thing. To be honest, it was a mess. But every time we went back we grew more and more and we did truly care about each other but both of us wanted something that we just weren't mature enough to work out. So we parted ways again and came back one more time. He had another girlfriend. I was the other girl. But I was the girl he would come to for actual support and it made me feel as if I were needed. During that time, that's what I wanted to feel more than anything else in the world since I was so lonely and sad. I needed someone to need me in order to fulfill myself. We had planned to run away together when I graduated highschool. But a month before I graduated, he was in a car accident and died. I remember coming home from school and as soon as I walked through the door, my sister was in the living roon and the first thing she said to me was "did you know Chris died"? I got sooo angry with her yelling about how jokes like that weren't funny. But it was true. He had died. I had no idea. And that was not the way I wanted to find out.
It was then that I decided that it was time for me to move forward and to become myself for the first time. When I graduated, I moved far away from home. I chose Thiel college in Greenville Pennsylvania and before I knew it, I was Bobbie for the first time. I still had some bad habits I had picked up from all those years, but I got to be fully myself. The nerd girl who liked sports, loved comics, obsessed with manga, and who just loved gross biological functions! And during all of this, I fell stupidly in love. But that's the thing about personality quirks...I seriously was not mature enough to be in that relationship just yet. For the first time, I was my individual self and I quickly jumped into a relationship. There were never any regrets, but I couldn't be the girlfriend I needed to be for the boy I fell in love with. I was still selfish and new to my own self worth. I was weak. I couldn't handle the pressure of school and love and trying to recover from 18 years of abuse and disappointments so I made mistakes. I had poor judgement and I could never express how I truly felt because I was just angry and sad all the time. And eventually, that just became too much. Something happened to me and I was too ashamed to admit that it had actually happened.So I lied about it. Falling into all those bad habits I had before. I thought I was doing something good and that I could just move forward on that, but how was that even fair. Even if things would have turned out differently, it would have been built on a new foundation starting with a lie. So it all ended and I moved back to Texas. Sometimes, I really wish that the people of my past would have met the person I am now. I think I would bring a lot of joy to their world.

The Present:

After reflecting on these things, I finally was able to get the therapy I needed to start moving in the right direction. Years of overcoming a lifetime of trauma and abuse.Also, the thought I might die probably pushed me a bit as well since I didn't want to leave someone like the old me behind as a memory if the worst came to pass when I was sick.

Sadly, I am still very insecure but I now stand up for the things I believe in a lot more. I may be insecure but people do not make me feel inferior anymore. I know I have a lot to bring to someone's life and I know I am not perfect, but I try my best every day to improve and try to get better.

So after all of that, you get me. The past which has shaped my present. I always felt as if maybe I was a bit secretive about my life and childhood. I was ashamed of my family and my life. I was shy and insecure and scared and never knew what was going on growing up. But that's me. That's who I was and how I came to be myself, today.

I really want to thank you for reading this. I want people to know me. I want people to know my past. I want people to see the sadness that was hidden by so many well faked smiles. I want you to know me.  The me before and the me now.

I love you guys and I don't want to hide anymore.
LinkLeave a comment

(no subject) [Sep. 15th, 2011|12:20 am]
rubia_tonta
Lately, I have been afraid to fall asleep. I didn't know it was possible to have dreams that hurt so bad they leave you phsycially ill when you wake up. I don't understand how so much time can pass and the wound still feels so fresh. It really is a very cruel joke played by fate.
LinkLeave a comment

(no subject) [Jun. 12th, 2011|10:58 pm]
rubia_tonta
Hi people in Live Journal land. I don't really know who reads my page anymore but if you do then you should know I will be in PA starting on the 21st! We should all get together and have some fun. Please? I could really use it in all honesty.

I'll be around!

Post if you would like to meet up.
LinkLeave a comment

Gotta Get This Off My Mind [Jan. 2nd, 2011|12:48 pm]
rubia_tonta
[Current Location |My living room ]
[Current Mood |contemplativecontemplative]

So recently I have seen a whole bunch of facebook posts saying that the state of Kentucky has past "the best law ever". In order for a low income person to qualify for medicaid, food stamps, and financial help from the government they must pass a drug test or be denied any type of supplementary help.
So my question is...how does this affect the rest of the family of the person who fails the drug test? Will the children of that person also be denied help despite the fact that they have absolutely no control over the decisions others make and they themselves are not doing anything wrong? If someone does fail the drug test, will the then be investigated for endangering their children? Will the children be taken away to a safe place and provided for and will the person with the drug issue be offered any type of help or counseling to put them on the right path to help themselves and their own families?
When I see people posting that as their facebook status, I feel that they do not understand the depth of the issue. Everyone is all like " I work hard for my money and I don't want my Taxes being used to help others that have serious issues because I work and they just do drugs/drink/whatever all day which isn't always the case. I feel that people are so concerned about how their money is being abused that they don't realize that by actively denying someone with issues help, they aren't just denying that one person help, they are also denying others who are close to the situation and have no control over it as well. The children of these people get overlooked thanks to the ignorance of the working class.

Now please don't misunderstand, I am not for giving people with drug issues extra money and I an certainly not supporting the use of drugs but I think that there should be more consideration of the individual situations before someone arrogantly judges and makes a grand statement on facebook which personally I feel shows their ignorance. I think that these people should be offered counseling or that there should be a thorough investigation in order to help the parents be better for their kids or provide the kids with a new safe place to live where they will be taken care of. In that post, there is nothing that tells us what happens if someone fails that drug test. Are they just denied and is a blind eye turned toward that person's family? Are they at least offered any help for their kids even if they are denied? I think these are the things we need to be considering when we are being so hateful towards those who have serious problems. It seems that our focus is in the wrong place, we are focused too much on how WE are impacted or how I am denied satisfaction. This simple ability to help has turned into an egocentric argument with no real consideration for others' well being in this world. Concerning this situation, I see a lot people saying MY MONEY or I DESERVE but I don't hear anyone saying something like "They should tweak that to offer counseling or they should allow the kids to get help". It's always a selfish reaction based solely on our greed, pride, and arrogance. No one offers better solutions, they just bitch about the current state of things and harshly judge those who need extra help in many areas.

I just don't see how this is constructive in today's world. Everything seems to be falling apart little by little and these statements being passed around like wild fire on social networks only encourages others to shut themselves off to thinking outside of the box and it discourages people to look for better solutions. It causes people to have these self righteous ideas that because they don't need help they should have the right to deny others help based off of a set of circumstances and no one wants to put forth the effort to stop this chain of hate and work to move forward to provide solutions that can make everyone happy.

I am sorry. That got a big long winded and probably a bit repetitive as well but it really has been bothering me lately how people are so quick to judge and deny others their help by one simple fact and not taking the time to look at all the angles of an issue. It just makes me sad that we are living in a world where there is no much need and yet we are filled with so much greed. So many people have the ability to help and choose not to based off of an arrogant idea of what criteria people should meet before they are worthy enough to receive help from the oh so successful person who doesn't need help. Why don't we help more? Why? Who decides ultimately who should and shouldn't be helped? who honestly has that right?


 
Link2 comments|Leave a comment

(no subject) [May. 29th, 2010|12:04 am]
rubia_tonta
<input ... ></input><input ... >
 
AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
I DON'T WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY ANYMORE. PLEASE, JUST MAKE IT STOP! I HATE IT! I FUCKING HATE IT!
Link1 comment|Leave a comment

(no subject) [May. 15th, 2010|06:58 pm]
rubia_tonta
Hello Live Journal world!
Nothing much has been going on. I have fallen victim to a super nasty stomach virus that has me feeling really poopie...(there is totally a pun there but it's kind of gross). Hahahahaha
I have missed two days of work but I think I should be okay to go tomorrow. I really did not want to spread it around and two days with fever did not seem like it would go so well if I tried to push myself. I want to be a good employee so I need to be well and take care of myself so I can take care of my job and the players.

There really isn't much else. Being sick has really sucked. I have lost a total of 6 pounds in about three days due to not being able to eat and well...yeah. Stomach issues. I am really hungry!!!

Nothing much else to report. I miss everyone just so you know! I don't know if anyone reads these anymore but know that I miss you all. <input ... ></input><input ... >
 
LinkLeave a comment

(no subject) [May. 12th, 2010|02:20 pm]
rubia_tonta
Why is it that when I see a super hero movie...that's when I miss you the most?
Ironman 2 was good. I enjoyed it.
 
LinkLeave a comment

(no subject) [Apr. 4th, 2010|12:47 am]
rubia_tonta
I seriously think I am going to die...
I found out that I have ciliac. I have always wondered why when I eat things like pastas and what not that I would always get a really bad stomach ache. I just thought it was because I'm a fatty and I ate too much but in reality...I have been eating foods that my body can't handle. Yep...I am talking about the Gluten. I have been on a super strict diet. A vegetarian and gluten free diet. I HATE IT!!! I JUST WANNA RIP MY TEETH INTO SOME BIG JUICY MEDIUM RARE HUNK OF COW!!! But no...I get to eat fish...I. HATE. FISH! Ugh. The veggies are nice, though but not having mac and cheese or spaghetti is kind of sad and I can't really eat out. It has been kind of sucky. So keep me in your thoughts and you are biting into a nice fat ravioloe or cutting through a piece of beef. Just remember how fortunate you are. ^_^
 
LinkLeave a comment

(no subject) [Mar. 17th, 2010|08:39 pm]
rubia_tonta
So I have been working really hard on being a more positive person so I wanted to share some positive things in my life. Normally I would bitch about the negative things but today I want to share the good.

I work at Blizzard and I LOVE IT!!!
I am paying off my credit card 250 dollars at a time each month and already have over 1000 dollars shaved off my debt.
I made a new friend named Cassie. She started the same day I did and we both love anime, cosplayiing, and Final Fantasy 13!
Dave bought me Final Fantasy 13 because I have been working so hard and he thought I deserved a reward for doing so well.
I work out almost every day and I have given up sodas so my body feels a lot better.
I haven't gotten sick in a loooong while and no risk of relapse.
I smile all the time.
I try to say hello to someone new each day and have met some pretty cool people by doing so.
I don't let the little things get to me anymore. I enjoy each day as it is. A single day. I hope for the future and work for a happy present and it feels amazing.

I don't know why I have spent my entire life being such an uptight prick. Being positive makes me feel better. Focusing on the good is so much more fun than dwelling on the bad. I have shitty things in my life but they don't matter. They are just things that I will endure and then will provide a good learning experience for the future. With the bad always comes some good. Making in through and having the strength to push forward brings such joy. So there are days when I cry and days I want to murder the world...but those are only passing thoughts, now and in a bad situation, I can finally see the good. It is amazing.

So, yeah. I know my little spiel is kind of sugary and could send someone into a diabetic coma, but I gotta tell you...LIFE IS GOOD!

 
LinkLeave a comment

navigation
[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]